Even for those of us who have partners, are living with roommates or family or are in a large household, there is an ever-increasing feeling of loneliness. Most of us are feeling pretty threatened and unsafe right now, what with the way we are being made to be extra cautious of our fellow humans for fear of infection or of infecting, of not knowing when the lockdown will end, of what will happen next, of who or what to believe.

When we feel threatened our social engagement system gets very difficult to access. Our field of vision changes, we are not able to hear so many tones and sound ranges. Our pre-frontal cortex begins to slip offline as the primitive defence responses take over.

  • some of us shift over into the head where we can maintain capacity for conversation and reason, but struggle to be present to ourselves or those around us – we are unable to connect
  • some of us slide into the body and its feelings of anxiety, hypervigilance, inertia, fear and we struggle to reach out or respond from within that space of overwhelm – we are unable to connect.

The feeling of being unable to connect or reach out, leaves us feeling that we cannot be connected with or reach out towards who or what we need or want. It’s not safe for us to be present to or available to and for others. We are operating in a state of survival.

Surely enough, our global community has been operating in a state of survival for decades now. Economic crises, global warming and climate change, war and ongoing threat of war, epidemics and pandemics and now social isolation as we’ve never felt it before.

Of course we are struggling right now!

So, how do we find that connection which can potentially lead us out of the persistent feeling of loneliness? Maybe we could try connecting with ourselves, gently and tenderly.

It’s not easy, but maybe some of these cost free things could help?

  • Noticing support – notice how the chair you’re sitting on holds your weight and shape; notice the floor coming up to meet your feet. What do you notice as your let yourself feel the chair hold you? The floor meet your feet, effortlessly? How is it for you to notice your socks keeping your feet warm? Your shoes protecting your feet? Your sweater or jacket keeping the chill at bay? That glass of water quenching your thirst?
  • If it’s ok to do so, lay on your back and maybe take a moment to notice the mattress, mat or floor under your spine. Is it ok to notice that there is no effort on the part of that mattress or the floor to be there for you? That the mat/floor is not going to bill you for giving your spine support, but rather it is just there, coming up to meet the parts of you that feel ok to make contact with it. What do you notice? Does your body soften or tense? Does your mind slow a little or being to race?
  • If your mind begins to race – can you very gently, very kindly ask for a pause? The mind has a lot to say at times and very often it has a lot of valid things to offer amidst some of the more frustrating narratives it may evolve. How would it be if you were to acknowledge that the mind has its version of events and has really had some great insights to offer, but would it be ok if we just take a pause for a moment or two to tend to the body? Notice what happens when you are gentle and acknowledging of the mind.
  • If you have a heat pack or hot water bottle, maybe take a moment to get curious about where your body might find it most comforting or pleasant to receive that warmth. Take your time and you could always gently check in and see if there is anything else that you might like or need to that would help you feel that little bit more comfortable. An extra pillow? Blanket? An adjustment to your seat? What do you notice at the felt sense level (in or of the body), having taken that little bit of extra care? Is there less effort in your muscles or breath? Do your shoulders or hips soften a little? Is there less tension around your eyes or jaw? Can you get curious about how your physiology responds to being tended to?

My strong encouragement to all my clients when practicing self-regulation activities, is less is more. Rather than spending twenty or thirty minutes with these suggestions, take a minute, maybe two. Maybe see if you can practice it three or four times a day, but for no longer than that minute or even half minute. Make the experience digestible and pleasant. Maybe notice what your system does when you take the less is more approach

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